How in heavens name does one recover and pick up the pieces of what was your life after you hear those words “you have cancer”? That is what I have been thinking about today.
I have been thinking about this because it has been eight months since my Car T cell procedure and at this point (the last blood draw) my numbers seem to indicate that I am in some kind of remission. This is a tremendously welcomed break from the chemo/protocol battles that have been on-going for almost ten years. And quite frankly it lulls me into a false sense of being someone who does not HAVE to be concerned with blood numbers and monoclonal peak numbers.
WRONG!!!
I can be easily fooled into wishing that MM/cancer is not a big issue. Some inner thoughts say that maybe I can go forward for a very long time and not be concerned with cancer. Yes. And then I remember a saying that ends with the words “and maybe pigs can fly”
At some point in the future (and no one knows when) I will again here the words “the cancer is back” or something to that extent. I suspect it will be as jarring as the first time I heard my well-being mentioned with the word cancer.
Realizing or focusing on the inevitable can upset my applecart. I get weird and not very available. I become distracted as I conjure a future that creates angst. I get lost in thoughts and am not very pleasant. My stomach goes upside down and right back to the very beginning of this journey with MM.
It is a struggle to stay positive.
All of which brings me to an incident that occurred this past month. I recently spent some time with a cancer warrior who has been through three different cancer episodes. Testicular cancer at age 32, prostate cancer at age 52 and esophageal cancer at age 60. We met to play and visit over eleven holes of golf. Yes, 9 or 18 are the usual number of holes you play but not at this course where hole eleven takes you right to the clubhouse.
During the round we visited some about his journey. He made me laugh quite a few times especially when what he was saying could have been words coming out of my mouth instead of his. For example, he said that when he gets just a slight pain or maybe when he feels a little tweak in his back or maybe an earache or a tooth ache or whatever, he immediately goes into “oh no I hope this is not cancer” mode. He says he cannot help it. It just comes at him fast and furious. And then, he must take some time to calm down and re-center himself.
So, the logical next question asked was “well, how do you do that?”
He laughed and said “well, I do not really know if I can answer that because I guess I really do not know if I have a specific answer. I center myself however I can with whatever is available at the time that I get to feeling scared, sad, or blue.” He said “I guess when I get that way, I just must remind myself that I am still living. I am still married to a wonderful wife, still get to play some golf, and have even taken up “old man” softball. It takes me a while but sooner than later I realize that right now my life is surprisingly good. And that is all I have. That is all any of us have whether we have cancer or not. If I were to give someone advice about how best to live with cancer, I would say just be nice to people because I usually feel a lot better being nice than being nasty. We all end up in the same place and maybe having cancer makes me more aware of that. However, I/we are not there yet.”
Well now. There you go. Sounds easy does it not.
Cancer/MM is a tough son-of-a-b**&*. No question it can be rough. And at times, it can make a person get ahead of themselves and create scenarios that are born from some sort of dark universe.
My next blood draw is this Friday and by next week I will be able to see what the result shows and where we are nine months out from the CAR T cell protocol. I have my fingers crossed. Most likely, my angst and uncertainty and mental fatigue this week stem from the unknowns that always accompany the next blood draw.
Who knows? We shall see.
Oh, by the way, we both parred the 11th hole which was a great way to finish the round.
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