Dream On

“I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our disposition and not upon our circumstances.”

- Quote possibly from Martha Washington (George Washington’s wife)

When I got up this morning my feet hit the ground and I realized that I get to start another day.

Wonderful!

I am not the type of person who seeks out quotes for the sake of making myself feel better. So, I was not looking for the above message when it appeared on my screen as I was scrolling through some headlines on my computer having my first cup of morning coffee.

It was nearing the end of the month and I had yet to post an article on this website which I started some three years ago. I have been having an internal dialogue as of late that maybe it is time to stop posting these monthly musings.

To begin with, it has been six months since my last chemo infusion for the treatment of my Multiple Myeloma. I am feeling ok. My blood numbers at six months post Car T Cell procedure are fine and indicate a remissive state at this junction. Again, as I was reminded and as I have accepted (though with varying degrees of difficulty and not without my usual consternation) it is a temporary condition – no cure, just management. For how long, no one knows.

Ahhh yes. There are no guarantees – a struggle for me at times. But here I am.

Living with Multiple Myeloma is somewhat like a rollercoaster except that the ride does not end. It does not go away. It is a health condition but not something like a broken arm or a sore throat. It is cancer. It is/has been an incredibly significant part of my life. It has and will continue to occupy a fair amount of my time if “time” is to be had. As I pass the 9.5 years mark it amazes me that I still can easily ask myself the question “What in the heck is going on?!!”

There is no despair. Despair is too strong of a word to use in describing the MM journey which of course will end at some point. But why is there this need to remind myself about that “end”? Where does that come from? Maybe a more appropriate word is “resignation” towards living with a disease. A resignation to a reality that at no time before could I have had any serious knowledge or information about.

OK, but I cannot forget that at times there is a need to shout out “this sh$%# gets old!”

All of which brings me back to my desire for putting something on paper for the website and the above quote.

My disposition.

What place do I occupy right now in my journey and how to proceed forward? What sense of urgency is there moving forward. Is urgency even to be valued when uncertain of the future. Is there not a universal relatability to how a sense of urgency can affect a disposition?

Oh Martha, are you certain about what you profess?!

Living with or dealing with MM treatments has been an active part of my life for nine plus years.

The blood draws, the chemo infusions, the poking and prodding for the monthly peek at where my monoclonal peak is for a particular month have become/became routine. The blood draws will continue each month. I imagine a continued uncertainty and trepidation each month as the waiting and wondering arrives about a week before the actual numbers arrive. What about my disposition?

Living with cancer/Multiple Myeloma mandates adjustments. Adjustments to my situation, adjustments to my perspective, adjustments to a daily routine, adjustments to my disposition. All of which go a long way in defining the experience called life.

Six months post Car T cell procedure I am again adjusting. I am so grateful for this most recent chance to adjust. The personal side of this disease makes it almost impossible for 100% commonality with others traveling the same highway as far as necessary adjustments go. However, there can be commonality in the approach to adjustments. Can there be agreement on a desired or effective disposition for all of us?

We all are adjusting, all the time. Professionally, personally, spiritually, and emotionally, adjustments might be one of the few guarantees of existence. And again, as Martha said, our disposition/my disposition to the necessity of adjustments, to the circumstances, will probably go a long way in defining the experience moving forward.

It is tough when adjustments are difficult to adopt/accept. The “easier said than done” mantra roars into existence. Yet, most of what has been relished and enjoyed in my life has come with a more than minimal price tag for accepting adjustments. Frankly at times, it is expensive and certainly hard work.

Happiness or misery. Well, in reality it seems like an easy choice does it not?

Sooo, on to next month.

P.S.  This month I really would like for you to take a listen to the song of the month.