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Writer's pictureMark Pajak

Just Livin’


OK first things first - A 10-month post Car T cell update:  The latest blood draw shows no evidence of a monoclonal peak which has always been the big marker for active Multiple Myeloma (MM). Particularly good news. Both my neutrophil count and my immuno-G numbers were so low that again a shot and infusion were received. This has become something of a monthly routine. I have been advised to be careful of crowds/people while having a very suspect immune system. I proceed forward somewhat cautiously.  However, life is to be lived not feared.

 

I had to go to the dictionary to look up the word NAÏVE prior to posting.

Naive: unaffected simplicity; innocent simplicity; absence of artificiality

The above is about the only somewhat positive definitions of “naïve” that I could find.

Most of the definitions that I read were rather negative in nature and included such descriptors as: a deficit of worldly wisdom or informed judgement. Or how about this: lacking wisdom borne from a lack of experience.

Yikes, who wants to be naïve.

Living with MM/cancer has can provide an immense source of potential wisdom.  It has opened my eyes to so many new and different thoughts, ideas, and people. It has provided me with experiences that I could never have imagined.

Many of the new and what have proven to be routine experiences that accompany managing cancer were/are rather tumultuous and less than pleasant. None the less, and without a doubt much has been learned and adopted because of said experiences.

It is hard to remain naïve when you are battling, struggling, and earnestly trying to live with cancer in a sane and manageable manner. Yet for some reason the thought of being naïve seems to possibly hold some value when moving forward.

I do not want to be uninformed or ignorant or lacking in wisdom. Not sure that anyone would desire such a situation. So, what is it about being a bit naïve that has an appeal?

I have no idea as to how I am “doing” even though so many people ask me that question. I have no idea as to how long my monoclonal peak will be at a low to non-existent level. I have no concrete idea as to what feeling “good “or feeling “lousy” is these days. I know that I feel great not having to undergo the rigors of chemo but I certainly do not feel like I felt prior to having cancer.

I do not know if I will get stronger or even how to define “stronger.” Same goes with stamina. My sense of taste comes and goes. I am experiencing some neuropathy in my feet. What to make of that? I am almost ten years into this cancer, and I have never been given an exact descriptor of what “feeling good” is to look like.

Ok now, here is the kicker. In most cases I just do not care to have the answers to any of the above questions or concerns that routinely present themselves regarding my journey. It is what it is. Stay positive and proceed with dignity if possible. If not – scream!

Lately I find that the expression “so what” enters my thoughts when trying to make sense of what I witness around me. I have come to the realization that I might be happier if I do indeed dis-engage from most of the “stuff” which stands before me. To a certain extent, there is comfort in not knowing.

Accepting that which presents itself to me with a very un-judgmental, non-confrontational, simplistic manner seems to work. It seems to provide a very doable blueprint.

Quite possibility though not for certain, answers to questions that “bothered me so” are no longer as necessary. I will take what comes and try to do my best with what I have been given.

A not so positive blood report – certainly not desired however that is just the way it is.

The reappearance of a monoclonal peak – well that is just the way it is.

Not being as strong or being tired most of the time – well that is just the way it is.

I could go on but probably there is no real need to explain further.

Living with MM /cancer is my life. And I am glad to have life. And as always, there are choices to be made regarding what is or is not embraced.

Living with cancer can be difficult. It is not a walk in the park. However, it most certainly can lack artificiality. Simplicity is available.

I have gained much from the lesson’s MM/cancer has provided regarding “worldly” wisdom. Of course, I accept that I will never know everything.

All the above leads me to believe that there is nothing wrong with this notion of being naïve or to a fuller degree - selectively naive.

That is another lesson managing cancer has taught me.

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