Happy Holidays to all who happen upon this post. May this Holiday Season bring you joy and peacefulness.
In a little less than two weeks I will begin the “re-introduction of some modified T cells into my body” phase of the Car T cell protocol that I am on. For me, it seems a bit daunting this entire process. And what I have found is that waiting around for all of this to happen is without a doubt one of the protocols most difficult tasks.
The way I have described my life recently to friends and others is as such. Close your eyes and imagine the anticipation and excitement you feel when getting ready to go on a vacation or an exciting adventure. You are nervous but in a wonderful way. You are somewhat preoccupied with making sure that all your t’s are crossed, and I’s dotted so that when you get into the car or on the plane or sail off on the cruise you can rest assured that all is well. Ahh such a good feeling. For many, it may represent the best part of the vacation.
Well, I am here to tell you that waiting for the re-introduction of the modified T Cells procedure to start is nothing like that.
For me there has been no gleeful excitement. Do not get me wrong, I am soooo glad that I am going to have the procedure. That much I am sure of. However, the anticipation is nothing like looking forward to a vacation.
It is tedious. It is full of cautions about “not doing” this and “avoiding that.” Anxiety is present. It is critical that certain medications are stopped or started as per the doctor’s instruction. It is about getting one more PET scan to have an accurate baseline of my condition prior to starting the re-introduction process. It is about anticipating what three big doses of chemo prior to getting the T cells is going to feel like. It is about staying away from most people because you just do not want to take a chance and catch a “bug.” If I am going to the grocery store, well I best mask up and not get too close to others. Heck no matter where I go it is best to wear a mask and maintain distance. Really it is best not to go anyplace - period – stay home, stay safe.
A very subdued and somewhat isolated aura or energy seems to have entered my life as the protocol moves forward. This isolated and reflective existence is likely due to a focus on what comes next and said results. It is my belief that a good portion of the “aloneness” that I am experiencing is because I know that there are no guarantees that what we are “doing” is going to work. This will be my fourth treatment protocol. And what that results in is a more serious look at my mortality. We are charging ahead because the previous protocols have lost their effectiveness. And in MM treatment management, effectiveness and mortality are very much tied together. My mortality is on the front burner of my thoughts.
The aloneness is not bad. It has provided me with a perspective on my life that I do not believe I could have noticed had circumstances been different. It has washed away much of the gibberish and nonsense that can occupy any 24-hour period. It has allowed me to recognize that the choices that I and most of us encounter on a routine basis are not about earth shattering consequences. Most certainly, it has made making choices and then living with the consequences of said choices so much easier. It has in some ways slowed down my life. “What’s the rush” takes on an entirely new meaning when talking mortality.
Two extraordinarily strong messages that have been noticed/have been brought to my attention recently. They are the need/desire to accept that which is and then to remember to align that acceptance with a perspective that tends to lean toward the “its all good” mantra. I have found that my desire to complain or get nasty has decreased a lot. I am more content with what comes my way. I am less likely to feel the need to make corrections or to change something that happens to be occupying my path. So, in many ways it has been very peaceful.
Entering and moving forward with this treatment protocol has been a case of yin and yang. But, then again, most of life has always been that way.
I am so grateful to have this Holiday season. I am grateful for the joys of the season as they may manifest. I am so grateful for the love of friends, neighbors and most especially family. It has been a good life and I believe that will continue.
Let us see what happens. I have my fingers crossed.
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